Grieving The Sudden And Tragic Loss Of A Parent In Your 20s With Logan Reed

 

I always loved Logan Reed from afar. I first laid eyes on her at her father, Chris Reed’s, funeral in June 2019. I saw her strength as she delivered the eulogy for a man I truly loved as a friend and mentor. I can only sympathize with Logan’s pain of losing a parent at such a young age, a parent who was her soulmate and her best friend in life. I know so many of us out there have experienced loss and don’t know where to find the strength to carry on. Logan talks to us about her abusive relationship that took a huge toll on her recovery, not only in grief but in addiction. A few short months after Chris’s passing, Logan unexpectedly fell pregnant, and she knew life was about to change for her radically, yet again. So grab a box of tissues for this one, besties: Logan’s perseverance, poise, and sense of family are what saved her, and it will save you, too. And although her journey to healing will be long and arduous, there’s a sweet spot at the end of the rainbow.

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Grieving The Sudden And Tragic Loss Of A Parent In Your 20s With Logan Reed

I hope that you are having a great day. We have an amazing guest as usual. We have Logan Reed on the show. Logan and I met through her father, Chris Reed, who passed in 2019 in a freak accident. I will be honest, I want you to learn more about the show. She and I have become close friends. Over the years, we have spoken about grief and motherhood as she became a mother to her beautiful daughter, Charlie. We have spoken about starting our own businesses, working from home, creating your own income and being your own boss.

You are going to enjoy and be touched deeply by this episode. It is a little bit of a tear-jerker but it’s important to talk about this extremely important pillar in our community and her beautiful daughter. She has gone out on a limb here to speak out about her father’s passing for the first time. She truly was someone who was important to the Houston community and beyond. Without further ado, let’s get into the show with Logan Reed.

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I have a special guest with me. Welcome Logan Reed to the show, everyone. Logan, how are you?

I’m doing good. How are you?

I’m great. Thank you so much for coming on and spending time with me.

Thank you for having me. I am super flattered.

I am flattered that you accepted. I told you this last time we spoke when I invited you to the show. I have been gently stalking you for a couple of years because of many reasons. Firstly, you are stunning. You are such a beautiful mom. You light up a room. You have great energy. I want to tell the audience how we met and that is through your dad, Chris Reed. Your dad is not with us anymore but he was an absolute inspiration to many people. That was incredibly evident in his passing. Can you talk to us a little bit about your dad? What kind of dad he was, and all of those things that you and I spoke about before over the internet when we were talking about him? Can you touch on that a little bit?

My dad was the most involved father you could ever imagine. He coached every single sporting event I had other than cheerleading because he was not about that but he was at every game. He was the most involved dad ever. He was the person that believed in me so much to the point where I couldn’t help but believe in myself. I had so much work and so much to offer the world and that was that. I was going to become this amazing person. He manifested it for me almost. He spoke it in my ears every day to the point where growing up, I felt pretty cocky. I felt like, “I own this.”

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He makes you feel like you can be anybody you want to be no matter who you are, where you came from, whatever. He was an amazing dad. He was always there if I needed a shoulder to cry on. If I wanted to celebrate something happy, he was there. That’s the kind of dad he was. Apparently, which I didn’t even know until he passed and people started coming out of the woodworks and telling me their stories and their personal experiences with him, he was similar to everybody else.

He was a good father figure or a mentor, especially those that lack self-esteem, financial means or struggled with life where they had substance abuse. He loved working with those underdogs and with those people who are struggling because maybe he struggled back. He gravitated towards those people and he changed their lives. I don’t know a single person that met him that didn’t say, “I went to college because of him. I started my business because of him. I’ve got out of bed because of him.”

That must be amazing to hear about your father.

It helps the grief process significantly.

I met Chris when I was a former MMA journalist. I was assigned to interview him for one of the fights that he had locally here for the Legacy Fighting Championship. I attended the fight and I was always rooting for him. It was his hobby. When your dad was like, “I’m going to go fight MMA,” what did you think about that?

I was fairly young. He started with Judo. He started with that scene. I thought it was cool. I didn’t think anything of it. All of a sudden, he’s like, “There’s Mixed Martial Arts.” I’m like, “UFC?” He’s like, “It’s not UFC, Logan. It’s MMA. It’s Mixed Martial Arts.” I see pictures and stuff of his training and I’m like, “This is hardcore.” He was a heavier guy. He was always at least 200 pounds or above. He had a wrestling background and he was good at wrestling, grappling and being on the ground. He didn’t want to be up in boxing. He wanted to be on the ground. He wanted to do takedowns.

The best way to do that is you don’t want to fight in the heavier classes. I’m sure you know all this. He’s like, “Dieting is hardcore.” I remember there would be days before his fight and all he would eat is celery and bell peppers. People come over and do the little water IVs to help them stay hydrated because he’s swishing water in his mouth and spitting it out. I’m like, “This is horrible.”

It’s hardcore.

I only went to one fight because I was not a fan.

 

It’s hard to watch people you love to fight.

What’s weird about it is I wasn’t ever worried about him. You would think, “I didn’t want to see somebody punch him or hurt him.” It’s because I always saw him as some superhero, somebody who could not be touched or defeated. Even though he had lost a fight or two, I thought he was invincible. I was always worried about the other person and I didn’t want to watch him kick somebody’s ass. I was terrified of it. I’m cringing. I always had faith in my dad. I always thought he was going to win every fight. I couldn’t watch the gruesomeness of it. I was always on standby waiting to hear if he won or not. I wasn’t a fan of going to those.

That’s funny. I didn’t know that you only went to one fight.

I have watched a few live in a way that I was like this the whole time, “Uhm.”

He also refereed a lot of fights as well.

He loved doing that. I didn’t go to any of those. That was when I went to college. I was always away from home. They were in other places. It could be in Louisiana or wherever where he would be.

To let the audience know, your dad had a lot of hats. He was the Chief of Police for Kemah PD. Kemah is another area of Houston. It’s a little bit further away. It’s near the water for those who don’t know where Kemah is. He was on the board of CCISD, a pillar of his community, and a helper of the underdog or anyone who needed a hand. Personally, I went through a lot of bullying in the Mixed Martial Arts community. Everybody was talking shit because I was young, I was a girl and I was pretty.

They are probably being nasty. That’s why he never wanted me to be around because he was like, “They don’t have filters and they will go after you.”

I had a guy who solicited me to hang out with me, to sleep with me. I told him to fuck off and he spread a rumor about me that I was racist and I was sleeping with everybody. That’s when your dad stepped in and he was like, “Never let anybody tell you who you are. You know who you are. You are not a slut or a racist. Why are you letting them tell you that?” That stuck with me and that’s something I say even now. Can you walk me through what happened to your dad and the events that led up to his passing?

It was Friday afternoon and he was working over in Kemah. He had half days most Fridays because that’s how he did it in Kemah, a lot of people would get off early. He liked having that available for everybody. His favorite thing to do because it was June, is to go fishing. He got a boat months before that. I don’t remember how because I wasn’t living at home early or anything. I was around but I was dating somebody at the time so I was living with him. It was like any other day, he and my mom planned to go out on a boat that early afternoon so they did. My mom packed the cooler, they’ve got ready and got on a boat. I was going to meet them eventually.

A couple of events occurred where I kept getting pushed back to the time I was supposed to meet them. They kept going out. Now that everything’s happened, I sometimes wonder, “Did that happen for a reason?” They were out and about on the boat fishing. My dad loved to fish. My mom sat out there on the back laying. She loves a suntan. If you haven’t ever seen her, she’s brown. She’s tan. She’s reading her book.

Eventually, they are riding along. I don’t know because I wasn’t there. There was a big barge, one of those big travel channel boats that drove by going well over the speed limit and creating incredibly massive wakes. I don’t know if you have ever seen YouTube videos of wake surfing but they are enormous. They are not meant for little tiny fishing boats like the one my parents were on to endure out of nowhere. That’s what happened.

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It got him off track and my mom said, “Chris, I’m scared.” It was getting rough and choppy and the boat was hitting bricks. He said something like, “Jana, it’s going to be okay.” A second later, he was ejected off the boat. My dad was the strongest man I knew. He had been caught on fire and shot in the line of duty. He survived so many things and he’s the strongest and toughest human I know. I know that those waters had to have been something incredible and something nobody could have survived because it’s shocking that he didn’t.

The waves rushed to my mom. My mom got back on the steering wheel, reversed it back, and tried to find wherever he was. When you are out in the water, you have no idea where you are or where the last thing is. It’s just water. She sees his head come up and she tries to help him by throwing a safety rope and he was unable to get his arms out from the current. Another big wake went over his head and he went back under.

I can’t imagine your mom.

He said something like, “I can’t reach. I can’t get it. I can’t get my arms out of the water.” It has been hard on all his kids and everyone in general. I can’t even imagine the burden that she holds having to physically witness it. She’s even mentioned, “I feel like it was meant to be that you weren’t on that boat that day or you weren’t able to make it. I know, without a doubt, I would have said, ‘Logan, jump in. Go get him,’” and I would have because I grew up a strong swimmer. I was swimming in college. I would have never thought for a second. She’s like, “You could have been gone, too.”

It’s crazy. It was a wild day. I was on the highway headed to their house. My mom calls me on my dad’s phone and she’s screaming hysterically and screaming his name over and over. I’m like, “What’s going on? Can you calm down? I have no idea what’s going on.” I hear another person talking through the phone and it’s 911. They are asking for location and all that. She’s screaming. She’s completely out of it, confused, scared and alone. At that moment, I figured out what happened without her even saying it. She kept saying, “Logan, I can’t see your dad.” I remember feeling him slip away.

Did you felt it?

I felt it. I was close to my dad. Something in me was like, “He’s gone.”

I would be like you. I would throw myself in the water and not even think twice. Your mom honestly was thinking, “I have children. If I throw myself in, what’s going to happen?”

She’s 4’11” and 110 pounds. How is she going to save a 250-pound man?

 

The fact that she had the presence of mind to think about that is insane to me. That takes strength for your mom. I can’t even imagine. I remember when I heard what had happened, everyone was like, “He was alone.” He was with your mom. There are all these different stories and trying to figure out what has happened. Logically, you think about why she can’t throw herself in. I was thinking exactly what you said. I was like, “That man is invincible.” For him to be taken under, that must have been something unsurvivable. They searched for him and it was for three days.

It was about two days. It happened on Friday and they found him on Sunday, mid-morning.

Tell me that beautiful story about when they found him though.

They found him probably so soon and I’m grateful. Two days-ish is relatively quick compared to how long it usually takes for people to be found in those murky waters because they can be taken off easily. Many teams were put together for him. It was incredible. The guy who found him was the man who runs EquuSearch.

He has a beautiful but tragic story of himself because he’s making something out of it. He located my father relatively close to the area that he fell over and he was surrounded by dolphins. It was almost like they were protecting him from other creatures, from anything. It was honestly beautiful to hear that. I have been pretty obsessed with dolphins since.

He was protected by angels. Didn’t they say something about dolphins being angels? I heard something about that.

They are so much like humans. I felt like they sensed what had happened. It was like, “This person was not supposed to be floating here alone in the dark water. Let’s get together.”

You already know that he had passed because you felt it in your bones. You still had the hope, I’m sure but you knew already. When you’ve got the news, were you numb? Were you immediately emotional? How did you react? What was your grief like?

I was numb. I had already known so I was already processing or trying to grasp it. I was honestly trying to keep it together. If something makes me mad, I’m mad. Something that came out of me during grieving was anger. Everyone was making me frustrated and annoyed because a lot of people were at our house and a lot of people were trying to help. It was amazing but I did not take it well. It’s too much for me and I came off awful. I feel bad. I had a family who I yelled at a few times. I had said things that I shouldn’t have said. Everybody was hoping. Everybody was holding on.

I looked at what they were saying, it was like a joke. I’m like, “How could you even say he’s floating on something out there? My mom watched him go under.” I’m being logic-minded, which is unusual because I’m usually emotionally minded. I was like, “I don’t feel him now. I feel that he is not earthside anymore. We need to be locating his body. We need to be moving on from there and doing what he wants with that and celebrating his life.”

You were pretty much pissed off because everyone was like, “No, he’s going to be okay.” You are like, “Let’s be real about this.”

I was like, “I don’t mean to not hold on to hope and I don’t mean to sound like a bitch but I don’t feel him anymore and I want to start grieving for him.” It almost felt like I wasn’t allowed to feel sad over his death because it didn’t happen yet but it did. I wanted to cry, scream, and punch a wall because he died but everybody was like, “Hold on to hope, Logan.” That’s not something that anyone who’s grieving wants to hear, whether you are grieving a loved one, a disease or over a breakup, nobody wants to hear things like that.

When you did get the news and you were able to start grieving, you gave a beautiful eulogy. Your whole family looked gorgeous. I don’t know how but you guys looked strong, united and put together. It was a beautiful service. After you’ve got through that, people come into the house to pay their respects, bringing gifts, probably food and all that. After all of that died down, you and I talked about this a little bit but how did you start to cope with your grief.

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Unfortunately, I immediately started to turn into things that would numb me. I did not like feeling the way I felt. It was unreal. I’m still having a hard time facing it. I would do anything to stop crying and to stop playing the image in my head that my mom had given me of him because it was haunting. I didn’t want to feel angry. I didn’t want to feel. I started drinking heavily. I had never been a drinker. I barely drank. Even in college. I would go to parties but I never was a drinker.

All of a sudden, that was the one thing I wanted to do. It made me feel better and forget things but then it didn’t because it’s a depressant and it makes you feel worse the next day and it causes you to drink more. I learned that later on, it’s an ugly cycle. I started coping with using substances and drinking to numb the pain. I did everything my dad would have been upset with me for doing. I know he raised me better than that and he raised me to be stronger.

Did you feel any anger directed at your dad?

No. I never felt anger. I felt a lot of anger and guilt toward myself because we had been head-butting in the weeks before because I was in an ugly relationship that was no good for me. It was toxic. Everything in my life was going down, even my career and everything because I was stuck in that relationship. He was like, “Logan. It’s a guy. You are stronger than this. You are better than this. I raised you better.” I would be the typical girl stuck in a situation like that and I would be like, “I love him.” This is a story for a whole other time.

I was totally gaslighted and blind to everything that was going on. I felt guilty that I didn’t spend more time with him. I felt like this guy was more important than my relationship with my father. I felt guilty and I wish I would have known. Nobody knows, you can never predict something like that. Now I know you don’t take time with your loved ones for granted because you never know. Spend it with those who care about you, love you and want good for you. That’s what I’m trying to do with my life now so I don’t have any more regrets like that and I can live my happiest life.

You mentioned the substances and being depressed. That’s pretty normal. How did you come out of that? What happened? How long did this take? How long did that last?

That lasted about six months probably. There was no sight of me stopping. I was miserable. Doing the drugs and alcohol was not making me feel better but it was distracting. It was a good distraction but it was ruining a lot of other things in life and everything was going downhill. I was not going to stop. I was not planning on stopping no matter who asked me.

I found out I was pregnant. That was the one thing I kept thinking, “What’s going to stop me? Nothing is going to stop me.” You don’t stop until you want to and I didn’t want to. I didn’t care if I pass away. I was being irrational and pretty dramatic, honestly. I immediately re-evaluated everything I was doing, all the behavior I was condoning and being a part of. I’ve got out of it and I stopped. I’ve got out of that toxic relationship, finally, because I wasn’t going to leave that one either.

It hit me that I was like, “It’s one thing if this man is treating me like this and abusing me like this but it’s another if he does that to my child, especially if she’s unborn.” I didn’t know if she’s a boy or a girl. I was not even going to take the chance. The baby is a miracle. I felt like it was a gift from my father to start over to get my shit together. I’m taking it and running with it. I’m going to do the best I can with it. This is my new purpose. This is what I was meant to do.

 

My dad was always my direction. I lost my direction when he was gone. He signed me up for my college classes and picked the classes even. He made all the decisions of my life mostly. I feel like it was him handpicking, giving me Charlie and being like, “Here’s your next adventure. Go with this and see what you can do with this.”

Ironically, Charlie comes out looking straight up like your dad.

She does look a lot like him. She has squinty eyes when she smiles, a big face and a great personality. She was such a fun baby to be around. I couldn’t even complain. I was saying that she was a handful earlier but it was because she was crying because she had been playing by herself for an hour. A one-year-old plays by themselves for an hour. I’m over here going, “I’ve got to get more things done.” I’m like, “No, you are fine.”

You are a relatively young mother. Was there ever a time where you debated keeping Charlie when you first found out? Did you debate on that?

Yes. The only reason I would ever not keep her would be if I knew I had caused some serious and detrimental damage to her, her health and her well-being because of my activities. I had no idea for a while. I was doing God knows what. I was concerned about that. Other than that, I knew I could not do it because I wasn’t ready or because I was like, “I can’t allow another death this year. I cannot handle it. I’m already suffering from this one. Do you think I will survive getting rid of a baby? No, I can’t.”

The only thing was if the doctor was like, “Your baby might not make it full-term because you did some serious damage.” That was the only reason for considering it. From the moment I heard her heartbeat at the doctor’s, I realized that my life was going to be changed and for the good. I finally felt excited for the future instead of fearful.

What a relief.

It was relieving.

Would you say that Charlie saved your life?

Yes, 100%.

That’s beautiful. I completely agree with you that that’s a gift from your dad, for sure. He was involved somehow. He was up there with God and he’s like, “Come over here. We’ve got to talk.”

It was crazy because we talked the night before because he was lecturing me. I haven’t told a lot of people this because I was pretty ashamed that I was behaving to the point where he had to sit me down and give a lecture at 25 or 26. He’s like, “Logan, I don’t know what to tell you anymore. You are making decisions and going down a path. I don’t know what to say anymore. I feel like I have said everything I said, and done everything I have done. It’s going to have to be something big that’s going to change your life. Other than that, I don’t know. It has to be something big.” I kept remembering him saying that. When he passed, I thought, “Maybe that’s what it was.” The next day, hours later, he passed away, I plummeted. I was way worse than I ever was. When I found out I was pregnant, I was like, “This is it. He gave me this. This was the one big thing.”

How did you pick the name Charlie Bell?

Charlie is after Charles because my dad’s name is Charles. I love unisex names. Bell took a while. I could not pick a middle name to save my life. I wanted it to be girly because her name would be Charlie Reed, which is my grandfather’s name as well. I was like, “We need something to make it girly.” I love Southern. We are from the South. I grew up in the Southside so I want it to be Southern and have a twang to it.

It popped up in my head one day. I was bartending, I was pregnant and it was during COVID. I was doing miscellaneous things here and there to make some money. I was serving one day and the guy was asking me and I wrote down all the middle names I was considering and we were like, “Bell, that’s the one.” I was like, “I’m going for it. Finally, I’m making a decision.”

I love it. It fits her perfectly.

She is a Charlie.

How did your mum handle both her grief and what you were going through with your grief?

It’s difficult. We are not through our grief yet. We are both grieving. There are multiple stages and it never ends because grief lasts as long as love does. When the love is gone, what’s in its place is grief. We handled it a little differently. She’s a busybody. She’s like, “I’m not going to stop moving. I’m going to keep going. I’m not going to sit down. I’m not going to be anywhere where it’s quiet.” She started head diving into hanging out with friends, staying active and being a busybody. I’m more of the sulk. If I’m going to do a distraction, it’s going to go in the wrong direction. Especially once I was pregnant, I sat down and I sat with myself.

She took it hard. It was hard for her to handle. I’m very much like my father so I don’t think she knew what to do. To this day, she is the biggest supporter. She’s like, “Whatever you need, I will do it. I don’t know what you need and how to help you. You are right, it was my husband and it was your father. They are different in a sense. He meant something to you and me but they are different in each way. I am here for you. Whatever you need, if you need to go away, you need to travel, I’m here.” That’s how she’s helped and supported me during my grief, which is incredible and amazing. I wouldn’t be here without her.

How did she react to the news of your pregnancy?

I cried. I was bawling and she was like, “Logan, we can do this. We’ve got this.”

That’s awesome.

I was scared. I was like, “She’s going to kill me.” She was going to be like, “This is what we need, Logan.” She was supportive. She’s like, “Logan, let’s look at this as a gift. It will be beautiful. We’ve got this. We can do it. I’m going to be there for you every step of the way,” and she has. That’s a huge reason being a single mom has not been terrible. I feel I’m not single, other than not the romantic side or a male in the picture. I have so much support around me that I have even better than what I would have if I had a man helping me out honestly and truthfully.

Is Charlie’s dad in the picture at all?

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We get along and are cordial. We grew up and we are friends. He is not very present. In the beginning, I was down, upset, and angry even because I couldn’t wrap my head around why or how somebody couldn’t want to be in their child’s life. It didn’t make sense but then I’ve got a different view on it and a different perspective, and I thought, “It’s probably easier for guys.” I don’t want to offend any guys, especially since you didn’t know the whole pregnancy. It’s easier to detach. Also, I realized upsetting myself over it and being angry or having strife with him does nothing for Charlie’s well-being. My main goal is for her to have a good life and be healthy. To be angry at somebody for something like that when I’m doing fine on my own is pointless. It’s a waste of energy.

That’s amazing that you realized that because you are right, it does no one any good.

At times, I have totally lost it and lashed out. I don’t even feel better afterward. I feel like that was pointless.

It makes you more sad.

It sucks feeling angry. I hate the feeling of anger. That and guilt are the worst feelings to have in your body to hold and they eat you alive. They don’t make you feel like you are human so I hate that. Every time I feel angry, especially when it involves Charlie and somebody in her life, I’m like, “Is this necessary? Do I need to be feeling this?”

Since you did have Charlie, I know that we said that your life changed. She essentially saved your life but tell me how your life did change when she was born. Tell me about that experience.

I was lost before I had her. I felt like I had no self-esteem, direction and purpose. I felt worthless. When I thought I was pregnant, I’ve finally got out of that relationship. I moved back home so I was back at home again in my mid-twenties. I was beating myself up. The day I had her, the way I delivered, and all that happened so quickly. It was weird because I was a first-time mom and I was in active labor most of the time at home. I’ve got there and I had her in two hours. It was fast and excruciating.

You missed the epidural.

I’ve got it right before but I was completely dilated, my water broke on its own and everything. They kept looking at me like, “What are your secrets? How is this going so quickly?” I was like, “I don’t know.” I’ve got a mask on because of COVID.

Did you have your mom or anyone with you?

I could have one person and I had my mom. I kept looking at her going, “Mom, I can’t do this.” She’s like, “Logan, you are going to have to. You don’t have a choice. That baby is coming now.” After all that and giving birth, in general, is the most empowering, magical and superhuman feeling. I remember that I had an epidural so my legs didn’t work but I felt like a badass. I was ready to walk around. They were like, “You need to calm down.” I’m like, “No. I’m invincible.” You feel like such a bad bitch and it changed from there.

I feel like my confidence was buried in me all along. It wasn’t just that it gave me confidence. My dad has always fed me what I forgot. “I can do anything I set my mind to and I’m a badass.” That’s it. That changed everything from there and in the weeks following, I was winging motherhood. I had no idea. Every time I asked my mom a question, she’s like, “I don’t know, Logan. That was 25 years ago.” I’m like, “Thanks for the help.”

 

Googling things daily the most ridiculous things I googled besides, worrying if she was going to be okay, I never felt so confident in my ability to do something and feeling I was doing it right. Also, knowing that I was the best I could be and I was the best version of myself every day. Even though I wore PJ’s every day, my hair was in a bun, and I look like hell, I was like, “I am beautiful. I am capable. I’m amazing and so is this little girl.” I am never going to say anything else to myself. I’m never going to look in the mirror, especially if she’s around and be like, “My hips are too big.” What is she going to do? She’s going to do the same thing. She’s going to learn those.

Especially having a daughter changed everything. It’s made me view myself differently. It made me more generous to myself and compassionate especially toward other women. I have always been about women empowerment and being there for other women but I struggled growing up being bullied by women a lot. It was hard to find good girlfriends that didn’t gossip and it was rough so I gave up at times. I was like, “I won’t have girlfriends.” After having Charlie, I connected with a lot of mothers and I became a whole different woman.

That’s amazing. I had a similar experience, not to your motherhood but I always felt more close to men because I felt a weird vibe from other women. It was just that I didn’t know how to connect with them and now that I figured that out, which is by being vulnerable, that’s how I connect with them. Before, I would play it off like I had everything. That’s why this show is called The Luxury Dropout. I was like, “Let me buy this Gucci belt and I will be fine.” What does the Gucci belt do? It has been hanging in my closet and I haven’t even worn it.

All of the stuff that I have learned and all the studying that I have done on my online Psychology degree from Instagram that I have received has helped me a lot. A lot of the stuff that I share resonates with a lot of women. They were like, “I’m going through this now.” Some guy commented on my picture and he was like, “Your body is not sexy. You need to go do cardio.” I screenshotted it and I posted it. Normally I would have been embarrassed, deleted it or blocked. All these girls were like, “That’s so horrible. Are you okay?” I’m honestly fine. I said, “If a woman would have said this to me, maybe I would have been a little bit upset but it’s a guy and he has no pictures so I’m okay.”

He’s a troll who has no life.

I told you that I was thinking about your dad, “Don’t let anyone tell you how you feel about yourself.” I know you were working those odd jobs or whatever to have some income when you were pregnant. When did you decide to venture out on your own and find a career that you could do and build a career from home?

It fell into my lap but at the right time. I was getting burnt out. I started bartending three weeks after Charlie was born because I was doing this all on my own. I picked that job in that restaurant because I would only work from 4:30 until midnight, 2:00 AM, whatever. Those are the times that my mom was available to watch Charlie. I was burnt out so quickly. By about March of 2021, I was like, “Enough is enough. I can’t do this anymore. I’m dying. I’ve got to do something else. I want to have more energy and time for my daughter and me, and to be healthy mentally and physically.”

I have been connecting with this girl on social media and she was telling me what she does and how she utilizes and monetizes her social media, gets to work from home and stays with her baby girl. We met for a reason because she lives in Arizona so I was like, “This doesn’t just happen.” We started connecting and she told me a little bit more. I finally was like, “Let’s do it.”

I work for a partner with an anti-aging company, vegan hair and skin care, and wellness. It’s great because the products themselves are awesome, amazing, safe, vegan and cruelty-free. It’s cool to be behind a product that you believe in because I have had many jobs where I was miserable. I did not even believe in the things I was selling.

Amazingly, I can do that. I’m also at home, I’m with Charlie and I can also help other girls do the same, other moms especially. That was my goal. That’s why I pulled the trigger because I was like, “If this works out for me, I can make it work out for others.” I’m not social media savvy. I’m not this and that so I was like, “If I can do it,” and I have. I have been successful because it’s a business that you can’t be successful unless you don’t try and you give up because that’s the only way. I love that I’m able to help others. I can guide them toward a more financial-free and time-free lifestyle, especially their moms who are experiencing not wanting to be away from their babies because it’s the hardest thing ever to leave them behind.

She introduced you to this company and you tried the product first. You love them and you decided, “This is something I want to do.” You are not social media savvy. Did your friend give you pointers on what to do? Did you google? How did you find out what to do?

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Immediately, once I joined, I was put into groups with other girls that were on my team and a part of this. It was cool because it wasn’t a competitive environment. It’s like, “You can do this. Let’s go. Here are tips.” Girls were giving me content, in the beginning, to post so I could learn. They would send videos teaching me how to create content, how to post and engage. They give you all the tips and it’s for free. I was like, “This is great because now I can sell anything I want. I could do anything else on the side as well because I’m learning so much. I should have done this instead of paying so much money going to college. This is all for free and it’s great advice.”

I was taught by a bunch of girls, they helped me with everything. We learned from a few people who do Zoom calls and stuff that are sales specialists and stuff that’s cool. That’s offered for free as well. I’m playing around and now I have the time to sit, be present, and not rush around and sleep whenever I can. I was able to get on and play around with social media, all its benefits, and all the things that you can utilize for business purposes.

You have been doing well. I have been loving your posts. You have been doing awesome. The products that you sell are considered to be multi-level marketing. Some people make fun of it. Some people say they are shitty products. There’s all this controversy. What do you say to sway their opinion the other way? Do you try or are you like, “If you don’t want it, you don’t want it?”

I’m in between. If they say that something is completely absurd or they have an objection that’s absurd and untrue or false, I’m going to give them the true info and they can take it or leave it but I’m not going to let you say that when it’s untrue and walk away still believing that that’s true. It depends on what they say. It’s like, “So and so said that it made their hair fall out.” I’m like, “Is my hair falling out? Clearly, it’s here and it’s a lot. I don’t ever even do anything to it other than use the product.” It’s things like that. I give other reasons, too, but it depends on what they say back because I don’t want anybody to leave still believing something negative or false.

I’m blunt and I’m honest. There are products on the line that I don’t personally like. I will tell you and I will not recommend them. “They do work for Susan over here or so and so over there but they don’t work for me.” I will be totally honest. That’s why I joined because I did love probably 95% of their products and the other 5% are either because or for curly-haired girls or they didn’t work for me and that’s fine. I liked that about it.

There isn’t a beauty line where I can say, “I love every product.”

Without lying to yourself. You are like, “I love this.” No, I don’t think it will work.

You are like, “It’s making me break out but I love it.”

You must be getting a good commission on that to be utilizing that and it’s making you break out.

 

You have seen success and people have been supporting you, which is great. Do you see yourself doing something else as well to supplement that income? Do you see yourself focusing on this for the near future?

I see myself doing what my dad did. I am somebody who loves different avenues of income. What’s great about this company is you do get paid in different ways in four different ways. That’s cool so it already feels like you have multiple incomes but I want to dive into other things. Especially once I have childcare for Charlie, I would be interested in it. It’s taking a while to get the in-person training done. ISR, I don’t know if you have ever heard of it.

What is that?

Infant Self Rescue. What you are is you are teaching babies as young as six months and older how to survive if they were to fall into a body of water. I put Charlie in it for a while, too. I remember I was sitting there at our practice one day and I was like, “Why am I not doing this?” I have done swim lessons my entire life. I have taught so many kids how to swim. I was a swim coach. I swam myself. For one, I would be making a good side income. I could do it on my own schedule because you are an independent person, it’s your business.

I could do it in my backyard in the pool and I would be saving and preventing another child from drowning, which is something near and dear to my heart because I feel it should not happen. It’s awful and heartbreaking. Especially in our area with so much water and many people with pools being on boats, I’m like, “This needs to be something people take seriously and put their kids in.” Maybe you don’t have to do it when they are six months old if you are unsure but at least if you have a pool in your backyard by the time they are one or so. I have been wanting to do that as an aside, too.

That’s fantastic. I have never yet heard of that.

If you watch videos, it’s scary. A lot of moms I have talked to about it are like, “I would never be able to put my son or daughter in there.” It’s scary because they are crying, upset, and struggling in the water but you know that they are okay. There’s this instructor with them teaching them. It’s only for ten minutes every day. Your child is in the pool for ten minutes.

I was like, “I would rather feel heartbroken and sad that my child is crying and screaming in the pool because she’s not wanting to be doing that than being heartbroken for life because of some tragedy that happened when it could be prevented.” Babies are adaptable and they are smart. It’s crazy how fast she learned to flip over and float on her back. That’s all she needs and screams for help because they are so buoyant. Babies are chubby.

That’s fascinating and a little bit of a nod to your dad, too. That’s fantastic. I hope that you do that. Please, keep me posted on that because I will want to learn more about it. I want to tell my sister about it. My nephew is going to be three in November of 2021. He has been taking swim lessons but he didn’t do that survival thing. I don’t know if he wouldn’t know what to do to turn his back like that.

What they teach you in swim lessons is significantly different because when you enter swim lessons, you are taught to blow out when you hit the wall and all these different things. When you are trying to survive, the last thing you do is let out air because when you are underwater and you let out your air, you almost have to felt it be. It’s hard to hold your breath after you let it out. They teach separate things because one is survival and one is for fun and play so you can play with your friends in the pool and have a good time. The other one is like, “This is what happens if you fall in the water.” They teach the babies with their clothes and shoes fully on because that’s realistic.

All likelihood, that’s probably what would happen. It’s funny when my sister was eight months pregnant, her dog fell in the pool and didn’t know how to swim. She jumped in the pool, fully clothed, eight months pregnant with shoes and everything. Do you remember that day I’ve got in that accident?

Yes.

It was the same day.

Are you serious?

My mom was like, “What is going on with you, guys?”

Bizarre. She’s like, “My children.”

She’s like, “I need you to not.”

That’s crazy. I’m so sorry about that accident, by the way. That was terrible.

It’s such a pain in my ass.

I was in Cabo the week after and I haven’t told my mom. I was like, “We need to be iffy about the taxis we use around here. One of my friends got into a serious accident. She had to go to the hospital and everything. What would we do? I don’t even know what to do.”

They were like, “Which hospital do you want to go to?” I was like, “I don’t know.”

You were like, “I’m coming from the airport. Take me wherever but bring my luggage.”

All my shit was still in the truck, my passport, my money and everything. All I had was my phone. I was on FaceTime and WhatsApp with my parents. I was strapped to the gurney that had my parents on my chest.

You probably gave them a heart attack.

They had a PTSD reaction to it. At first, they were scared. The day after that, my mom had this weird meltdown and got super mad at me, and didn’t talk to me for a day.

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You were like, “I’m over here suffering.”

I almost died. I’m like, “Are you not going to talk to me? Why are you mad?” She wouldn’t answer me. When my mom doesn’t answer me, I have a small panic attack. I’m like, “Mom, you have to answer me. I’m your child.” She ended up explaining later that she had a PTSD reaction and it came out as anger. It wasn’t towards me.

You know how to handle it. It was terrifying. I can’t even imagine.

I couldn’t go back home because my foot was sliced open and my back was fucked up. I couldn’t leave. I was stuck. I was alone. All I wanted to do is talk to my mommy and she wouldn’t answer.

She’s like, “Screw you.” You are like, “Why are you hurting?”

She’s like, “What are you even doing there? Are you on a romantic vacation?” I was like, “Yes, there’s a guy here.”

“I’m with myself.”

There was a guy there that I saw but he wasn’t the sole reason why I went.

You were like, “Mom, it’s Mexico. I don’t have to have an excuse.”

“Also, I’m in my mid-30s.”

“I will do what I want.”

“Are you going to ever let me do what I want to do?” Probably never, to be honest.

She’s just a parent.

I’m not allowed to get tattoos. My mom was like, “If you get one when I’m dead, I will come back from the grave and I will haunt you.” She still checks my body for tattoos.

What if it’s a memory of her? What would she do?

I don’t know.

She will probably still haunt you.

She will probably hate it more. She’s like, “You’ve got a tattoo of me when I told you I hate it?” I love tattoos. My best friend is covered in tattoos. She treats her like one of our sisters and I’m like, “Mom, Christy has tattoos.” She’s like, “I didn’t meet her until she had all those so I couldn’t say anything.” I was like, “Okay, fine.” I will be 50 and unable to make my own adult decisions. To be fair, I love my parents. They take good care of me. I can’t complain.

I will probably be the same type of parent, to be honest. I’m going to be a cool mom and then I’m going to be like, “You are not allowed to do this. You are not allowed to do that.”

Now you understand why your dad had those talks with you about getting your shit together because he loved you and he wanted you to snap out of it.

He was protective.

When you are with a narcissistic boyfriend, that’s hard to get out of that cycle of abuse. You have those super high highs and super low lows and it’s addictive.

It was addicting. I’ve got out of all my friendships, I left my job, and I was like, “What am I doing, being a full-time girlfriend or something to a guy who doesn’t even talk to me every other day?” It was dumb.

You almost blame yourself for them not talking to you.

I was like, “I have to make this right.” I was like, “If only I can be prettier, be better, listened more, didn’t complain and cooked well.” I would do all those things. I was perfect. Talk about wife material, I made myself and built myself into a wife but then I lost myself at the same time because that was not who I was and who I was meant to be. It wasn’t natural and I was trying too hard. It pushes them more and then you are chasing after him like a savage.

The second that you try to block them off or you say no, they come charging after you.

Full-blown stalker mode.

“I love you. What do you mean? I didn’t mean to do that.”

“Let’s go get married.”

“Let’s get engaged. Let’s have a baby.” We have dated the same guy.

That sounds reasonable, “Let’s have a baby with this psycho.”

You are going to have to listen to this episode I did with this guy, Leon Walker. He’s a former narcissist. We went through everything that you are talking about. He’s diagnosed, has done the work, and then he will go into character. He has a bunch of TikTok followers. He goes into character as a narcissist. I had to put a trigger warning on my video in case people are triggered by that. He is older. Women are like, “You are triggering me.” He’s like, “I’m not trying to trigger you but I am trying to get you to realize what’s going on.”

I have never heard of a narcissist do work. That’s unheard of.

Me neither. He admits it. He was like, “I was addicted to porn. I was addicted to hurting women, not physically but mentally, wanting them to suffer, playing games with them, and telling them I was going to cheat on them. If they went and got another guy after that, I was super upset and questioning why they would ever leave.” He laid it out there.

I will have to read that. That’s wild.

I put a little snippet of it online and people are like, “Where can I listen?” I’m like, “It’s not launched yet. It will be.” I’m proud of you for leaving because that’s hard.

Charlie is where I pulled the strength to do it because I was not going to do it. Especially after my dad passed, he got abusive. I still was all struck by him. I thought that if we weren’t dating, I was going to die. I couldn’t survive without him. I lived and breathed him.

He was observing you see what you needed and he would fill those holes just enough to keep you in and then he would throw you away.

You were talking about the love bombing. When we first met, he wants me to move in, he wants to get married, I’m the best thing in the world, I’m the most beautiful girl. I kept saying, “When is the other shoe going to drop?” I would always joke, “You are too good to be true. You are too perfect.” Ironically, the shoe did drop and it dropped hard a few short months later after I was wrapped around as near.

You were saying with the tattoo, it’s this perfectly curated text out of a fairy tale.

Out of a novel. I was like, “This guy is unreal. Why am I not finding him? Why isn’t he married?” There’s a reason. I find out that all of his exes suffered the same thing and I’m like, “Silly Logan.”

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You are not silly. You had to learn the lesson.

I am glad I learned so I know that in the future, I do not screw around with that. I did see some but I was like, “There’s so much good. Surely, that’s not what that is. That’s not a red flag. That’s a weird quirk.” Now I’m like, “That’s a red flag. I’m out. Bye.”

I do the same thing. One red flag and I’m cut.

It’s like, “You don’t even have time to explain yourself. You are going to have to die and be reincarnated to have another chance with me because it’s not happening.”

Good for you. Not only do you have to protect yourself but you’ve got to protect your daughter. Have you been dating at all though or trying?

I dated briefly. I tried. I was not in it, especially to get older, it’s so much work. Having Charlie, it was hard getting my attention to somebody else. It wasn’t her father so that transition was difficult. He’s confused, “Why doesn’t she like hanging around me? Why doesn’t she act as she does with you with me? She doesn’t like me.” I’m like, “She doesn’t know men. She doesn’t like guys in general because she’s never around them.” It’s hard to explain. I feel like I’m saying sorry but I’m like, “What am I saying sorry for?”

You have nothing to be sorry for.

It was too much work. I was like, “I’m going to put that on pause and try again some other time.” I’m loving being single.

I would rather be peaceful and single any day than be in a stressful relationship.

Relationships do require an effort but not to the point where it’s all-consuming. You are constantly having to sit and work on it. Work things through and figure things. Most of the time it clicks, and then you do work through your quirks and your flaws. It shouldn’t be as hard as some of the people that I have met.

As a young single mom, what would you say to other young single moms who are saying to themselves, “I need to find a husband? I’m lonely. It’s going to be too late. I’m going to be 30 and single.” What do you say to those women?

You’ve got to sit back and you’ve got to work on yourself. If you are going to want a husband material, you’ve got to make sure you are wife material. What do you envision as a good wife? Be that girl, be that woman. What do you envision being a good wife, a good mom? Be that girl, work on yourself and do inner work. Fall in love with yourself and being single, and then you are ready to be in a relationship.

If you are trying to get in a relationship because you are lonely, something is going on internally. That’s not because you need a man. That’s because you need something done inside. You should not ever be lonely because there’s not a man there. That has to do with something completely irrelevant to an actual physical being, being there.

The best and the safest thing to do for your well-being, your future, and your kids is to focus on you and focus on your kids. You don’t have all the time in the world to be with them. You only get so many years, and then they move out and they move away. Soak it up. Enjoy it. Whenever you are at peace and you feel like you have done your inner work, it will come. I know it. I feel it. The right guy will come. The more you force and the more you go out there and trying hard, the more you are going to fall into the laps of people that you don’t belong in.

Seal of approval on that one for me. I’m someone who doesn’t have a kid but I agree with it.

Even if you don’t have a kid, women do that a lot. You feel lonely and you feel like, “I’m going to go with this guy because he’s available I don’t feel as lonely.” You are going to feel more lonely with those people. They are going to leave you feeling like you are not only lonely but you are empty, depleted and exhausted. It’s going to take even more time to be ready for the next one or the next round to find somebody new.

You have to put on a brave face for your family, for your kid. That takes a lot of energy.

That’s the most important thing, to put your energy in.

What would you say is one of the most important life lessons that you still think about that your dad taught you?

He was a perfectionist. He was involved in everything. He was up to keep his image and reputation. He’s a huge people pleaser. He loved making people happy. That can be depleting. He was always chasing the next rank, the next advancement or the next, “What could I do?” He was trying fast. He eventually reached where he felt satisfied where he felt like, “I made it to the top of where I saw myself going.” There’s never a cut-off. He’s like, “Now what?”

When he retired, that was probably the most low I have ever seen him. He’s meant to be working and continue doing things. He felt like he put so much in at such great speed that he didn’t sit and enjoy life. It passed by. He was laser-focused on these career goals but he didn’t sit and enjoy the ride. When I was growing up, he raised me to be like that.

Whenever life started slowing down for him and he retired, it was constantly like, “Logan, you have to do what makes you happy. No matter what it is. If you are not happy in a job, then leave. Life is way too short and there’s no reason to be rushing through it. Once you get there and there’s nowhere else to go, what do you do?”

That stuck with me and that made me feel comfortable because there’s so many times in life where I felt like, “I should be here. I need to be here.” He would be like, “Logan, enjoy it. You are going to miss this time because you are going to be married and have kids. You are going to be busy.” I graduated from college and I didn’t have a job and I was chilling. You are going to miss those times.

I missed those times.

I do already. Probably the biggest life lesson was to slow down and enjoy life because you never know. I learned it from him ultimately because I lost him when I never thought I would at the time I did. Love and enjoy everybody around you. Be compassionate and be happy above all. Do not let anyone make you unhappy. If they are, get out of that situation.

Even with toxic friendships. I have gotten rid of a lot of girlfriends. Unfortunately, that didn’t serve me anymore. We went on different paths. Sometimes I’m still cordial with them. Sometimes we don’t talk at all. They don’t fit in my life anymore. I agree. Here’s a final question for you. I ask everybody this on my show. It might be difficult for you to answer this because knowing what you know now, you will see. Let’s say you are walking down the street, you see twenty-year-old Logan walking towards you and you are like, “There’s me, twenty years old. I’ve got to go talk to her.” You go give her a big hug and leave her to embrace. What is the one thing that you tell twenty-year-old Logan?

I would say, “Stop giving yourself such a hard time. You don’t need to be perfect. That’s not even a thing. Love yourself who you are and whatnot. Stop giving your dad such a hard time.”

I bet he’s listening to this, no doubt. I specifically know that he put you and me together and I have told you that before. We connect well. He would tell you that he wouldn’t have changed anything that you did because that’s what made him a good dad.

I’m 100% him. I know he probably did it when he was a kid, too. He’s probably like, “This is my karma.” Sometimes he would be mad at you, “You are acting like me. You are hard-headed and stubborn. Do what you want to do in a woman and I was the same man.”

Thank you so much for coming to the show. You did an amazing job. I’m honored that you came and you spoke about this tough subject. This is hard stuff.

Thank you for listening.

Know that I always want to honor your dad. I always want to honor you, his memory and your family. I respect you guys a lot. Know that no matter what in life, you have a friend forever. I will always be here for you.

Me, too.

Let our readers know how we can support you.

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You can support me by going on my Instagram, that’s probably my preferred way. That’s where I have been working my business. It’s @LoganReed. I have a little link on there and you can click it or you could directly message me and ask me anything about my business or me. I’m an open book.

If someone has gone through a loss of a parent, would you be willing to speak with them?

One hundred percent. I have connected with a lot of people. It’s an awful joke but it’s The Grief Club. It’s a club you don’t ever want to be a part of but once you are in it, you are surrounded by people who understand it more than anybody else. I’m an open book for that.

Thank you again so much. Thank your mom.

Thank you.

Thank Charlie. I can’t wait to hang out with you, guys. Let me know when you are free so we can plan an all-day together and go swimming or whatever it is.

She loves swimming. It’s a date.

I love you. I will talk to you soon.

I love you. Thank you.

—

That’s it for this episode with Logan Reed. Logan, you are amazing. Thank you so much for being a guest. I hope you enjoyed that and know how truly special it was to have Logan come on and talk about her grief like that in a way that is raw and real. It’s probably cathartic in a lot of ways but also extremely difficult to discuss things like this. In our mid-twenties, that is not something we are supposed to be dealing with yet, early motherhood, being a young mother and still grieving, figuring out the ways to do things, supporting yourself, building a business and going against the naysayers.

I hope this show has empowered you and made you feel strong. Please, reach out to Logan if you want to speak to her about beauty, skincare, grief or about her dad. If you have any questions, she is an open book. I would love to support her small business and I will. We love that you are here and you are reading. Thank you so much for joining us. Until next time, I’m sending you love. Stay well and I will see you soon.

Important Links:

• CCISD
• EquuSearch
• @LoganReed – Instagram
• Leon Walker – Past episode
• https://M.Facebook.com/logan.reed.3538
• Logan Reed