steph


By: Mark Carrillo

calimbas1 MMA fighters are a sexy species. Am I right? With their chiseled bodies, ass kicking ability and sweet tattoos, one must admit: they are modern day gladiators and chicks dig that sh*t. Trust me, I know. I have my first MMA fight coming up in a couple weeks and the amount of attention I have been getting from girls is crazy. Just the other day I had to get a physical for my fight. As soon as I get to the doctor’s, I see a girl and she wants to check my blood pressure and temperature. Then, I go to the store and I walk in and this older lady is all, “Welcome! Have a nice day!” Then, I’m standing in line and this other girl screams out, “I can check you out down here!” She totally crossed the line, but you see what I mean. So how do you tame one of these tigers and make him your boyfriend? I got all the answers ladies, so read on and take notes and get ready to bag yourself an MMA fighter.

 

First off, if you are not a fan of violence to some degree don’t even try. Dating an MMA fighter will only cause a rise in blood pressure and the risk for a heart attack. That being said, you don’t have to be crazy into violence, so don’t go joining a fight club. You just can’t mind seeing a little blood and people getting knocked out. No fighter wants a girlfriend that’s going to have some kind of meltdown in the crowd if he gets knocked out; tough skin is a must.
Secondly, you have to be patient and ready to deal with the mood swings that come with cutting weight. This is where a man can become a boy; you can easily make him mad enjoying a cookie in front of him. Next thing you know, he’s telling you how you don’t care and that you never say, “I love you” first. It’s horrible, taking away a man’s food and water.

 

Third, you should be good at doing laundry. This is not a must, just a plus because when your boyfriend works out twice a day he goes through a lot of underwear. It’s ridiculous I mean I’m doing laundry four times a week now; this could also be because I don’t own many pairs of underwear but should still be considered.

 

Fourthly and lastly of all, you have to know how to be supportive. Your boyfriend will get his ass kicked some days and needs a strong woman by his side. Ready to get his pain meds when he can’t walk, ready to eat like a rabbit in front of him while he cuts weight, and ready to refrain from any funny business leading up to a fight: and by funny business I mean sex.

 

It’s a tough job being an MMA fighter’s girlfriend, but it is worth it, because they all make love like Picasso. It’s a fact, I saw it somewhere online once a few years ago… scientist said so.

 

***

Follow Mark on Twitter 

Buy tickets to Mark’s upcoming ammy MMA fight HERE.

He will face Ramon Nanes on August 31st at EAC 6 – Lonestar Showdown II in Bryan, Texas.

Special thanks to Mike Calimbas Photography.

DRUMROLL PLEASE.….Here is your answer key!

IF YOU ANSWERED MOSTLY A:

You are a match with Patrick Patterson, Houston Rockets Power Forward.

Age: 23

Height: 6’9″

Hometown: Washington, D.C.

Twitter: @pdpatt

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

IF YOU ANSWERED MOSTLY B:

You are a match with Eric Garcia, Houston MMA Fighter

Age: 31

Height: 5’10”

Hometown: Houston, Texas

Twitter: N/A

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

IF YOU ANSWERED MOSTLY C:

You are a match with Jason Zucker, Minnesota Wild/Houston Aeros Forward

Age: 20

Height: 5’10”

Hometown: Las Vegas, Nevada

Twitter:  @jason_zucker16

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

IF YOU ANSWERED MOSTLY D:

You are a match with Mike “The Truth” Jackson, Houston MMA Fighter

Age: 27

Height: 6’2″

Hometown: Houston, Texas

Twitter: @TheTruthJackson

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

IF YOU ANSWERED MOSTLY E:

You are a match with Brian Ching, Houston Dynamo Forward

Age: 34

Height: 6’1″

Hometown: Haleiwa, Hawaii

Twitter: @brianching

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

IF YOU ANSWERED MOSTLY F:

You are a match with Antonio Smith, Houston Texans Defensive End

Age: 31

Height: 6’4″

Hometown: Oklahoma City, Oklahoma

Twitter: @AntonioSmith94

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

IF YOU ANSWERED MOSTLY G:

You are a match with Whitney Mercilus, Houston Texans  Outside Linebacker

Age: 22

Height: 6’4″

Hometown: Akron, Ohio

Twitter: @merci380

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

***

photo credits: MikeTheTruth.com  atoast2wealth.com GettyImages.com  Rockets.com  Wild.NHL.com  debohouston.com  blog.seahawks.com 

As a girl in this town, into sports or not, one has to admit that there’s some, umm…”hefty talent” among the male athletes ‘round these here parts. But how will you ever make up your mind as to which one of them is your ideal match? You don’t want to end up with the wrong guy, now, do you?

So here’s where I come in….as usual.

Instructions: Grab a pen & paper. 

- Take this quiz to find out which Houston hot shot you match up with the best. I will be posting the answer key on the next blog post.

- You will want to select the response that suits you best from his male perspective.

- Leave a comment, tweet me, or post on Facebook with the results of your quiz!

…And most importantly, no cheating!

***

What is your idea of a perfect date?

A. “Pick her up, don’t have to wait long on her. Open her door. Dinner, drinks. Then grab something sweet and head back to her place towatch a movie and chill.”

B. “Dave And Busters or go-karts after dinner. I’d have to say the perfect date for me consist of dinner with a woman that isn’t afraid to eat!”

C. “Steak dinner and ice cream after.”

D. “Going to a comedy show then just chilling after.”

E. “Something active where we could still talk. Mini-golf, beach, go-carts. Then a nice dinner.”

F. “Dinner and a movie.”

G. “Candle-lit dinner on a boat, a calm nightly stroll on the lake while the moon and stars illuminate the sky.”

*

What is your favorite post-game meal?

A. Peanut Butter & Jelly with Chips

B. Mexican food. A huge mixed platter of enchiladas, tacos, rice and beans.

C. Farfalle pasta with chicken from Cheesecake Factory

D. Fettucine Alfredo 

E. Pizza

F. Steak or Sushi.

G. Homemade wings.

*

Where would you go if you could travel on a dream vacation?

A. “Fiji.”

B. “Jerusalem. I would love to visit The Holy Land.”

C. “Hawaii.”

D. “Somewhere in the Caribbean.”

E. “I would love to go to Australia again.”

F. “A beautiful island.”

G. “Venice, Italy.”

*

What is your favorite music genre? Who is your favorite music artist?

A. R&B/Tyga

B. Soft rock, rap, R&B, Christian music/Phil Collins, Jeremy Camp, Chris Brown and Ne-Yo.

C. Hip Hop/Eminem.

D. Hip Hop/R&B/Jay-Z

E. All types. Rock/Linkin Park.

F. R&B/Blues/Soul/Anthony Hamilton

G. Drake

*

Who is your favorite Super Hero?

A. The Hulk

B. My son. He has a collection of every super hero costume that you can think of.

C. Superman

D. Batman

E. Superman

F. Wolverine

G. Iron Man

*

What is your favorite sport to watch, besides the sport you play?

A. Soccer

B. Boxing

C. Football

D. Basketball

E. Surfing

F. Basketball and Rodeo

G. Soccer

*

What is a trait that you would want in your ideal future woman/mate?

A. “A woman who can cook.”

B. “A woman that will love me for me. Supportive and affectionate.”

C. “Outgoing and athletic.”

D. “Confidence.”

E. “Laid back and active.”

F. “A Christian, God-fearing woman.”

G. “Strong mentally and emotionally”

*

Who is your favorite athlete of all time?

A. Michael Jordan

B. Mike Tyson

C. Lance Armstrong

D. Muhammad Ali

E. Kelly Slater

F. John Randle

G. Myself

***

STAY TUNED FOR “GIRL CHAT IV: ANSWER KEY”! 

photo credits: funwithdating.com  love.allwomenstalk.com  fashionteria.com  welovedates.com

Texans are out of town, and you’re figuring out where to end up [most likely drunk off your ass] watching some football. Do you go out to a bar? Do you tailgate? Do you sit at home on your couch with a bottle of vodka and a box of cocoa puffs? This past Sunday, I left my cave in favor of Texans Grille and the Battle Red Freaks. If you haven’t heard about these guys, you’re living under a rock. Per their own admission, they are “a group of FREAKY TEXANS fans that are working hard to spread the fever and do all we can to help build a TEXANS NATION!”

Freaky, you say? Sold.

Dragging my [surprisingly] not-hungover self out of bed at 9:30AM on a Sunday is quite the task. First of all, I’m pretty sure my snooze button up and quit on me a few months ago, just packed his bags and walked the f*ck out of my iPhone after years of abuse. Yet, somehow, I manage to turn myself from hot-mess into halfway decent in about 30-45 minutes of prep time. I never eat breakfast, so there’s that, chugged a bottle of water and I was out the door. The ringleader of the Battle Red Freaks , let’s call him “C”, had told me to be there by 11AM, and I, being the complete control freak that I am, was there at 10:45.

I was originally going to write a very ambiguous blog on this topic. But you all know me better than that. Sunday’s experience was nothing short of ridiculous. By the time I left, I was three sheets to the wind, four gentlemen had plugged their numbers in my phone, five people had followed me on twitter, and my ass had a welt on it the size of a very large handprint. (THANKS, C!)

Miss Thang (aka TBD aka @taybyrnedodge) is 45 minutes late, so I’m down a Bloody Mary or six before she even arrives. Everyone was very welcoming and friendly. I meet C, his wife, some of their friends, and Houston rapper, Dre Ladon.  Super chill dude, very talented. His music is pretty sick (and by the way – PLUG – you can check out his new single, “H Up for Them Texans”, HERE).

So anyway, TBD arrives. Thankfully she likes football. The absolute worst is to take a girlfriend that hates sports. You’ll be left wondering what the over/under is for her making it through the game without burying her face in her Margarita. Not to mention the constant “will you come with me to the bathroom?” She tolerates my weird zoning out during offensive drives (“STEPHANIE? HELLO??”), and let’s me scream when there’s a sack without looking like she wants to die. She even shares my love of #76. Yes, we are soul mates.

TBD and I were marveling at some of these get ups the BRFs come decked out in. We have got to have the best fans in the NFL. I mean, Texans STORM TROOPERS? Seriously? Unfreakingreal. There were also what appeared to be “communal children” that were drinking Red Bulls through a straw (kids go hard these days).

Long story short, we ended up having a badass time and meeting some cool people. The only problem was, for me anyway, that it was really difficult to focus on football with so much distraction. If you asked me to make an analysis based off Sunday’s game, I would not be able to without watching some NFL rewind. So, depending what kind of girl you are, (dedicated to the actual game, or just a fan of the drinking and constant getting hit on) it’s got to be your call whether or not this type of atmosphere is for you. As for me, I think I’ll give my black and blue ass cheek a rest and stay home for the next one.

#PeaceLoveAndFootball

Hey cutie. Let’s talk game attire and etiquette.

Scenario: You’ve spent your hard-earned cash and copped courtside tix to the next home game. Obviously, you’re trying to catch his eye, but how do you do that without looking like a full-on jersey ho? The answer is not to prance around in 6” tall Loubs and fall flat on your crazy, white ass. And unless you’re a mega-fan, and sit with the Rowdies, we all know that you coming in with that Mustard n Ketchup clown wig ain’t gonna get you any action, either. Read the rest of this entry »

So you want to date an athlete. Obviously a lofty goal (no pun intended), but in the end potentially something really great. So you stalk the hell out of these guys until they notice you out of the thousands upon thousands of “jersey chasers”, and when they finally do notice you, you act aloof, and say extremely cliché things like “well, I’m not like other girls” or my personal fave, “I can buy my own Louis V, gah!” You’re on the right track, ladies, acting aloof that is. Not like these guys need a bigger head than they already do.  But what do you really know about actually dating an athlete, and not just bedding one and then telling all your friends, only never to hear from the dude again?

Jersey chaser versus athlete girlfriend: nothing like a movie reference to kick things off. In Just Wright, starring Common, Paula Patton’s character, Morgan, tells Queen Latifah’s character, Leslie, that she wants to bag Scott McKnight, the Nets star player. And how does she do this? The oldest trick in the book: “You are not supposed to show your regular self until you’ve been married for five years” she explains to Leslie. Scott then all but tumbles over himself trying to win Morgan’s affections, even proposing to her after several months of dating. When Common gets injured and his return to the Nets is questionable, Morgan jets. Although Latifah wins Common’s heart at the end, it just goes to show that capturing an athlete’s attention is quite simple, if you know what you are doing.

Now that you have determined your goal, I am going to rain on your parade of fairy tale endings. Athletes have a lot of options. Let’s face it; it’s hard to keep track of all the chicks who offer to tickle your nickel every 5 seconds. It’s not unusual for an athlete to blow up your phone for 2 days, and then pretend like he was abducted by aliens for the next 3 weeks. I know you’re special, and so does your mom and your best friend, Maya, but how are you going to have enough time with him to show what a badass you are ? It’s near impossible, folks, especially mid-season. Even off-season, they usually go back home to their respective families: equally as difficult. You know that expression, “if he likes you, he will find the time”? Doesn’t apply to pro-athletes because they literally have NO TIME. And when they do have time, they need to rest their bodies to prepare for the next game.

The key here is to literally go on living your life and not worry about seeing their name pop up on your phone. Sure, once they text you can screen shot that shit and send it to your BFF, but don’t ever let on that you’re excited. God forbid that you tell an athlete you care for them, because that’s a deal breaker, too. Normal girl meets boy rules need not apply under these circumstances. I once had a guy take my little “I care for you” and beat me with it relentlessly over the head courtesy of a 2X4. Athletes think that “caring” is code for “I want to have your babies” and “I love you”. So just don’t go there, because the “ladies of the night” (I say this very politely) who came before you put that idea in their heads long, long ago.

If you’re still interested in torturing yourself by dating at athlete after the last 2 paragraphs of red flags, let’s continue. What sports are you interested in? Or should I say, what type of athlete? Baseball, basketball, hockey, football, curling….there are so many to choose from. I will say here that your body type might already put you into one category or another. For example, the brothas seem to like me a whole bunch because I have an ass the size of a jumbo-tron. The white boys seem to like this, too though, but only if they don’t go for the skinny white chick thing. Skinny white chicks should stick with the QBs of the world. I always say if you want to feel like a sweet tiny princess, pick a lineman. If you want to feel like a total glam movie star, go with a Power Forward. I find they also really like an exotic look; a girl who is smoldering [Bobbi Brown Gel Liner] and pouty [DuWop Lip Venom] .  Like a tiger. Rarrrr.

And now for a #DreamShakeBarbie #PetPeeve intermission: Don’t try and date an athlete if you’re not into their sport. The dude will figure you out before you even have a chance to set up a time & place to meet. Save those courtside seats for another chick who loves her man’s sport and will cheer and swear and go nuts at his games. It’s the right thing to do.

I sincerely believe that I have dated a few very good men who happened to also be athletes. They were kind and respectful, and listened intently to my incessant spouting off of the stats of their team and their sport, but those are few and far between. Athletes do, however, always appreciate an understanding and love of their sport. After all, it is their career, is it not? Make an effort to understand what they do for a living, and for Pete’s sake, do NOT ask him if he knows Lamar Odom and can he intro you to Khloe.

My rule of thumb?  Never take is personally when your boo drops off the face of the earth. Not that I would ever presume to understand the male athlete’s mind, but they just don’t have time for all that chick stuff. They are focused on their careers, looking to make it big, just like we all are in life. Dating an athlete is fun and all, but just know that the diamonds in the rough are truly hard to find, and a diamond on your finger is even more elusive than that.

Most importantly, I now present to you the Golden Rule of pro-athlete dating: keep your legs closed and your lips sealed until you guys are seriously dating. You’ll thank me later.

Now back to our regularly scheduled programming.

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