steph




It’s a bittersweet time of the year.

The biggest football game of the season is on Sunday, but it is also the last one – the Super Bowl. For either the Ravens or the 49ers, a dream will be realized sometime late Sunday evening in the Louisiana bayou. For the loser, they will feel somewhat like the rest of us casual/hardcore football fans…

Sad. Lonely. Lost. 

Saying to themselves, “Sh*t.. now I have to watch the NBA?!”

But do not fear, there is a way to survive this awful time of the year – better known as the NFL offseason. Here are some suggestions.

1. Watch some old games – bonus if they include Brett Favre.

I’d suggest this even during the season, I mean watching old Brett Favre games on TV .. lets just say without DVR these games may hit four hours and I’d have to see a doctor .. I mean I mean it’s BRETT FAVRE. But anyway, if you’re a fan of a team that had a good season – what better way to kill some of the long offseason by re-watching an old game on a Sunday? Unless you’re a Chiefs or Jaguars fan.. then you might need to watch a game from the late 90’s or just focus on maintaining your lawn.

2. Spend time with your wife/husband/significant other

2. Play Madden 2013 on the Playstation 3 or Xbox360 In stores now! (CHA-CHING!)

3. Take a vacation…. Via a giant bus!

Planes freakin’ suck. And you get to your destination way too quickly! Take a bus, you won’t regret it.

4. Experiment in a kitchen with some crazy genetic splicing.

How do you think I created a turkey with a chicken and duck stuffed inside of it all while having the aforementioned turkey have like 15 legs? I was bored in the offseason. Hello!

5. Drink a LOT of beer.

Though you should probably do this during football season too. You know what goes great with beer? Ace Hardware. No no.. Outback Steakhouse.. yeah that’s the one. Either way the more you drink, the more likely your days will morph into another and then next thing you know – hey hey, football!

So you see folks, if you follow these five steps – the offseason will fly by and before you know it… SEVEN LONG MONTHS will have passed and we will have football back.  After dealing with the agony of having nearly THIRTY weeks without football, it will just zip on by, zip on by….. and after watching a lot of basketball and baseball and ten minutes of hockey – football will return!

Damn it.  The offseason sucks. 

@FauxJohnMadden is a satire Twitter account created in 2009 by a 25-year old Seattle Seahawks fan, stranded in Albuquerque.  He now is 28-years old and still a Seahawks fan, which is a sad story that can be told some other day. 


Categories: Houston Texans, NFL

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