So you want to date an athlete. Obviously a lofty goal (no pun intended), but in the end potentially something really great. So you stalk the hell out of these guys until they notice you out of the thousands upon thousands of “jersey chasers”, and when they finally do notice you, you act aloof, and say extremely cliché things like “well, I’m not like other girls” or my personal fave, “I can buy my own Louis V, gah!” You’re on the right track, ladies, acting aloof that is. Not like these guys need a bigger head than they already do.  But what do you really know about actually dating an athlete, and not just bedding one and then telling all your friends, only never to hear from the dude again?

Jersey chaser versus athlete girlfriend: nothing like a movie reference to kick things off. In Just Wright, starring Common, Paula Patton’s character, Morgan, tells Queen Latifah’s character, Leslie, that she wants to bag Scott McKnight, the Nets star player. And how does she do this? The oldest trick in the book: “You are not supposed to show your regular self until you’ve been married for five years” she explains to Leslie. Scott then all but tumbles over himself trying to win Morgan’s affections, even proposing to her after several months of dating. When Common gets injured and his return to the Nets is questionable, Morgan jets. Although Latifah wins Common’s heart at the end, it just goes to show that capturing an athlete’s attention is quite simple, if you know what you are doing.

Now that you have determined your goal, I am going to rain on your parade of fairy tale endings. Athletes have a lot of options. Let’s face it; it’s hard to keep track of all the chicks who offer to tickle your nickel every 5 seconds. It’s not unusual for an athlete to blow up your phone for 2 days, and then pretend like he was abducted by aliens for the next 3 weeks. I know you’re special, and so does your mom and your best friend, Maya, but how are you going to have enough time with him to show what a badass you are ? It’s near impossible, folks, especially mid-season. Even off-season, they usually go back home to their respective families: equally as difficult. You know that expression, “if he likes you, he will find the time”? Doesn’t apply to pro-athletes because they literally have NO TIME. And when they do have time, they need to rest their bodies to prepare for the next game.

The key here is to literally go on living your life and not worry about seeing their name pop up on your phone. Sure, once they text you can screen shot that shit and send it to your BFF, but don’t ever let on that you’re excited. God forbid that you tell an athlete you care for them, because that’s a deal breaker, too. Normal girl meets boy rules need not apply under these circumstances. I once had a guy take my little “I care for you” and beat me with it relentlessly over the head courtesy of a 2X4. Athletes think that “caring” is code for “I want to have your babies” and “I love you”. So just don’t go there, because the “ladies of the night” (I say this very politely) who came before you put that idea in their heads long, long ago.

If you’re still interested in torturing yourself by dating at athlete after the last 2 paragraphs of red flags, let’s continue. What sports are you interested in? Or should I say, what type of athlete? Baseball, basketball, hockey, football, curling….there are so many to choose from. I will say here that your body type might already put you into one category or another. For example, the brothas seem to like me a whole bunch because I have an ass the size of a jumbo-tron. The white boys seem to like this, too though, but only if they don’t go for the skinny white chick thing. Skinny white chicks should stick with the QBs of the world. I always say if you want to feel like a sweet tiny princess, pick a lineman. If you want to feel like a total glam movie star, go with a Power Forward. I find they also really like an exotic look; a girl who is smoldering [Bobbi Brown Gel Liner] and pouty [DuWop Lip Venom] .  Like a tiger. Rarrrr.

And now for a #DreamShakeBarbie #PetPeeve intermission: Don’t try and date an athlete if you’re not into their sport. The dude will figure you out before you even have a chance to set up a time & place to meet. Save those courtside seats for another chick who loves her man’s sport and will cheer and swear and go nuts at his games. It’s the right thing to do.

I sincerely believe that I have dated a few very good men who happened to also be athletes. They were kind and respectful, and listened intently to my incessant spouting off of the stats of their team and their sport, but those are few and far between. Athletes do, however, always appreciate an understanding and love of their sport. After all, it is their career, is it not? Make an effort to understand what they do for a living, and for Pete’s sake, do NOT ask him if he knows Lamar Odom and can he intro you to Khloe.

My rule of thumb?  Never take is personally when your boo drops off the face of the earth. Not that I would ever presume to understand the male athlete’s mind, but they just don’t have time for all that chick stuff. They are focused on their careers, looking to make it big, just like we all are in life. Dating an athlete is fun and all, but just know that the diamonds in the rough are truly hard to find, and a diamond on your finger is even more elusive than that.

Most importantly, I now present to you the Golden Rule of pro-athlete dating: keep your legs closed and your lips sealed until you guys are seriously dating. You’ll thank me later.

Now back to our regularly scheduled programming.

Categories: Girl Chat

4 Responses so far.

  1. YOU KNOW says:

    “Screen shot that shit” – LOL

    The only thing I’d disagree about is the whole loving their sport thing. I think it’s better not to give a shit. They have enough bitches making em feel all special for having extra muscles in their legs or whatever. 

    Oh and btw, in my opinion, the best athletes would be tennis players or golfers. Any non-team sport is ideal…. That way you can send them dirty pics without worrying that 15 other dudes will see that shit in the locker room tomorrow.

  2. devil's advocate says:

    For the sake of arguing, wouldn’t both be considered jersey chasing? One is the one night stand version, the other is looking for a little more. either way you’re chasing after a pro athlete specifically. I’m not saying that’s a bad thing, but in my opinion it’s the same thing. Both are only chasing after this guy(s) because they are pro athletes…

  3. Ms. Jolie says:

    OMG! I have been scrapping the Internet looking for some descent advice from someone who knows. so I guess here it goes..

    I am a pretty average Jane. Single girl 23 studying with large goals. Dating an athlete has never really been one of them. But recently I have met a very very major league athlete who has reached out to me. Has made the effort to text and contact me… We have spoken casually and im
    Sort of intrigued that he would even take anytime at all for me.. And is now offering to fly me out to NY. Im taken back by this and not sure how to react. Whether to accept, or respectfully decline, I don’t want to sleep with him, but I’m afraid of putting myself in that vulnerable situation by accepting. I think no duh! He just wants to sleep with me.. And reality is that him flying me out is like buying me 2 drinks at a bar.. Financially it’s nothing! But then on the other hand I think how else is he going to get to know me unless I am present to him? I’m super confused… And would like a little bit of guidance? Should I talk to him and make it clear that I won’t be sleeping with him before flying out? Should I insist in having my own room and making sure I stay separate from him. He will be playing pretty much everyday that I’m there. So I’m not really expecting quality time… Im not sure what to think? what to say? how to dress? Please help!

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