So you want to date an athlete. Obviously a lofty goal (no pun intended), but in the end potentially something really great. So you stalk the hell out of these guys until they notice you out of the thousands upon thousands of “jersey chasers”, and when they finally do notice you, you act aloof, and say extremely cliché things like “well, I’m not like other girls” or my personal fave, “I can buy my own Louis V, gah!” You’re on the right track, ladies, acting aloof that is. Not like these guys need a bigger head than they already do. But what do you really know about actually dating an athlete, and not just bedding one and then telling all your friends, only never to hear from the dude again?
Jersey chaser versus athlete girlfriend: nothing like a movie reference to kick things off. In Just Wright, starring Common, Paula Patton’s character, Morgan, tells Queen Latifah’s character, Leslie, that she wants to bag Scott McKnight, the Nets star player. And how does she do this? The oldest trick in the book: “You are not supposed to show your regular self until you’ve been married for five years” she explains to Leslie. Scott then all but tumbles over himself trying to win Morgan’s affections, even proposing to her after several months of dating. When Common gets injured and his return to the Nets is questionable, Morgan jets. Although Latifah wins Common’s heart at the end, it just goes to show that capturing an athlete’s attention is quite simple, if you know what you are doing.
Now that you have determined your goal, I am going to rain on your parade of fairy tale endings. Athletes have a lot of options. Let’s face it; it’s hard to keep track of all the chicks who offer to tickle your nickel every 5 seconds. It’s not unusual for an athlete to blow up your phone for 2 days, and then pretend like he was abducted by aliens for the next 3 weeks. I know you’re special, and so does your mom and your best friend, Maya, but how are you going to have enough time with him to show what a badass you are ? It’s near impossible, folks, especially mid-season. Even off-season, they usually go back home to their respective families: equally as difficult. You know that expression, “if he likes you, he will find the time”? Doesn’t apply to pro-athletes because they literally have NO TIME. And when they do have time, they need to rest their bodies to prepare for the next game.
The key here is to literally go on living your life and not worry about seeing their name pop up on your phone. Sure, once they text you can screen shot that shit and send it to your BFF, but don’t ever let on that you’re excited. God forbid that you tell an athlete you care for them, because that’s a deal breaker, too. Normal girl meets boy rules need not apply under these circumstances. I once had a guy take my little “I care for you” and beat me with it relentlessly over the head courtesy of a 2X4. Athletes think that “caring” is code for “I want to have your babies” and “I love you”. So just don’t go there, because the “ladies of the night” (I say this very politely) who came before you put that idea in their heads long, long ago.
If you’re still interested in torturing yourself by dating at athlete after the last 2 paragraphs of red flags, let’s continue. What sports are you interested in? Or should I say, what type of athlete? Baseball, basketball, hockey, football, curling….there are so many to choose from. I will say here that your body type might already put you into one category or another. For example, the brothas seem to like me a whole bunch because I have an ass the size of a jumbo-tron. The white boys seem to like this, too though, but only if they don’t go for the skinny white chick thing. Skinny white chicks should stick with the QBs of the world. I always say if you want to feel like a sweet tiny princess, pick a lineman. If you want to feel like a total glam movie star, go with a Power Forward. I find they also really like an exotic look; a girl who is smoldering [Bobbi Brown Gel Liner] and pouty [DuWop Lip Venom] . Like a tiger. Rarrrr.
And now for a #DreamShakeBarbie #PetPeeve intermission: Don’t try and date an athlete if you’re not into their sport. The dude will figure you out before you even have a chance to set up a time & place to meet. Save those courtside seats for another chick who loves her man’s sport and will cheer and swear and go nuts at his games. It’s the right thing to do.
I sincerely believe that I have dated a few very good men who happened to also be athletes. They were kind and respectful, and listened intently to my incessant spouting off of the stats of their team and their sport, but those are few and far between. Athletes do, however, always appreciate an understanding and love of their sport. After all, it is their career, is it not? Make an effort to understand what they do for a living, and for Pete’s sake, do NOT ask him if he knows Lamar Odom and can he intro you to Khloe.
My rule of thumb? Never take is personally when your boo drops off the face of the earth. Not that I would ever presume to understand the male athlete’s mind, but they just don’t have time for all that chick stuff. They are focused on their careers, looking to make it big, just like we all are in life. Dating an athlete is fun and all, but just know that the diamonds in the rough are truly hard to find, and a diamond on your finger is even more elusive than that.
Most importantly, I now present to you the Golden Rule of pro-athlete dating: keep your legs closed and your lips sealed until you guys are seriously dating. You’ll thank me later.
Now back to our regularly scheduled programming.